Leaving Cameroon is proving trickier than I thought
NB: My time in Cameroon is now over. This is the first post of two summing up my thoughts.
With two months to go in Cameroon a wave of euphoria washed over me – the feeling being that after a tough time I would soon be going home.
Then, with less than a month left it was replaced by…nothing. That was how I felt. Almost as if with thoughts and emotions too confusing and contradictory it was easier just to blank them out. A situation not helped by the fact that friends had left town and those last few weeks included little socialising.
The future was one of family, good food and ultimately returning to Hanoi and yet the departure left me in a haze.
Even now, after two weeks at home, I feel I’m still emotionally thawing from Cameroon. As if somewhere along the line I gave up on feeling anything in an attempt to simply finish my post. Keep your head down, I reasoned, and just keep on going.
I’m aware there’s still a fug. Hopefully one that will lift. As I set off for Hanoi? As I arrive in Hanoi? The first time I walk those tree lined streets?
Or will it be gradual? A slow easing back to the old me? Perhaps even the euphoric Hanoi me of old.
I think it’s more than just self-preservation. It’s not just a hangover from shielding heart and mind from the relative isolation of my Bamenda life.
I think there’s also a feeling of betrayal in there. As ever the bottom line was “I could leave”. I was doing what every last Cameroonian I have ever met wanted to do.
However bad it got when I was there – it would never be entirely unbearable because I always had that get out. There were a set number of days and they could be counted.
All those lovely people who looked after me and showed me such kindness? They are still there. It’s unlikely that any will ever leave.
While rationally speaking leaving was the only course of action it’s hard to shake that thought. And I think till the thaw is complete I will continue to carry Bamenda with me. Cameroon is not going to leave me easily.
That’s probably just as it should be.
Tags: bamenda, cameroon, goodbye, leaving
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September 11, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Well, you don’t have to leave for good. You can always come back! And if you do you are welcome to crash with me in Banganté.
September 12, 2009 at 7:32 am
Very moving (no pun intended).
September 12, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Someone once said to me that ‘Africa gets under your skin’ and I think that’s true in many ways. Good luck with the reverse culture shock and figuring out what you want to do.
September 15, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Very moving (no pun intended)….
September 16, 2009 at 9:24 am
[...] had wondered when the Hanoi return would hit [...]
October 5, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I find your comments very insulting. i am from bamenda and I wonder what those people who were very friendly with you in bamenda will discern from your comments. Remember it is a human characteristic to always yearn for what is on the other side. It doesn’t necessarily translate into wanting to adopt what’s behind that door. I keep telling them beware of strangers. Where is hanoi anyway? Vietnam? you make it look so much better; please. I have lived in the west for so long and I can’t wait to go home. So much you deprieve yourselves from. So artificial and empty. And now you want to judge? I don’t think you learnt anything from that trip. shame on you for taking people’s hospitality and humanity as a hollow and misplaced superiority. Remember just cause you see someone not wearing shoes doesn’t automatically mean they are suffering. What were you doing there anyway? do you walk for the CIA. i bet those people really don’t know a thing or two about you and how you treat their brothers and sisters over here (racism). And I bet you didn’t mention that either. when I was a little boy my parents were very hospitable to tourist and some so called missionaries. It is the African way unfortunately and I am sure they took that hospitality the wrong way like you. I will never make the same mistake. It is ok to feel the way you do. I take issue when you start feeling sorry for others as if somehow Your life is better than theirs. Thats always debatable man.
December 20, 2009 at 7:43 am
A big thank you Steve for this blog. I have spent the past couple of days reading it from start to finish as I contemplate my approaching arrival in Bamenda as a VSO-er. I’ve found it honest (more so than I would ever write publicly), thought-provoking, at times very funny and it has pushed my decision to keep a blog while in Cameroon. Not sure how it will go as an experienced blogger, not given to revealing too much and without a clear audience to write for but hope that some of that sorts itself out with time. Reading your blog has certainly prompted me to revisit my reasons for doing a VSO placement and my expectations but it has also left me feeling confident that this is what I want to do. Your frustrations with VSO echo mine concerning the repetitive recruitment process and slow, opaque matching process which almost bought my VSO time to an end before it had really started. It is a shame that our Bamenda paths didn’t cross however I am indebted to you for sharing so much of your experience through your blog.
January 1, 2010 at 8:04 am
Bamenda is my home town. My parents live in Bafut sub-division.
Going through a few posts on this blog, I have come to realised that you were far more to us than what you even tell us
I feel some sense of belonging here and happiness being of help to us.
Thank you every much for all the time you spent away from your home. My Fiancee (Baby Noela of http://www.myblogsays.com) is expressing her gratitude for your mention of her humble insignificant blog on the post http://ourmanincameroon.com/2009/04/27/female-bloggers-cameroon/
We will both miss you