There are a number of events that I have attended in Cameroon that I haven’t ended up documenting here.
In the past I’ve written that, in particular, I wanted to avoid simply posting African clichés. That remains the case but in addition there have been functions attended where anything I had written about them would have read either as farce or finger pointing criticism.
If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all, right?
The only sliver of comment I want to make is that I find events in Cameroon – even such positive events as a graduation ceremony or a wedding – end up by having the joy well and truly wrung out of them by the accepted protocol and the usual mic hogging egos.
And having said that, I want to tell you of the film launch I attended this evening. In a country without a single cinema and with me longing for the movie going experience, it seemed like a big deal.
Even this, by now somewhat jaded and cynical 10 and a half month Cameroon resident, was genuinely and honestly really looking forward to it.
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Experience tells me that the time you’re asked to attend a local event is more than flexible – but with the invite saying “5pm prompt” and “your punctuality…will be appreciated” I thought it was best to turn up on time.
We arrived to find a film already playing but were told it wasn’t THE film. But we sat and watched for a while from our seats in a pretty much empty hall.
Half hour passed and a keyboard was carried onto the stage. It was followed by a guy who pounded the keys and made pffttt and st, st, st…. noises every ten seconds or so to test the microphone. And then another microphone and then another.
Occasionally the sound would reach ear splittingly uncomfortable levels.
The film we had actually got quite engrossed in had had its sound turned down to allow for this tuning up.
At one point the soundcheck turned into an impromptu version of Careless Whisper.
At another point the tinny tune carried on as the keyboard player walked away in the direction of the toilets.
A little later he was joined by two more people and they sung “We are the World”. Not for the audience, as such, more just as part of the ongoing soundcheck.
After an hour and a half of this we disappeared outside for a few minutes – before long we were told that the programme would now start. All events in Cameroon have a programme. From a meeting through to a party with a few invited friends.
No social occasion is too small to have either programme or MC.
We returned to another 20 minutes of waiting before what we presumed to be our host took to the stage. Here goes, we thought, a few words from this guy and away with the film.
No there were lots of words. Lots of thank yous. Lots of praising God. That phrase of death: “all protocols will be followed” which means there will be many speeches, was uttered. Our host then asks us to rise and sing a hymn.
Hymn sung we sit down. We rise again for a prayer. A very long prayer.
We sit down.
We rise again for the national anthem. We sit down
We rise again for the anthem of the film production organisation. We sit down.
A comedian is welcomed to the stage. He speaks in pidgin – I can’t follow much but he goes down well enough with the crowd.
We rise again for a minutes silence – I can’t recall who died.
We sit down.
Every so often a tall guy in a white cap comes on to stage and whispers into the man with the mic’s ear. My feeling is that the event planning is somewhat open to last minute amendments and new names that must make speeches are being added.
We then are handed over to “our host for the evening” who will “get the programme underway”.
So that other guy wasn’t our host? And “the programme” hasn’t even started yet? We’re over two hours in already.
The new host says a few words. Assorted VIPs are thanked.
The piano sound checking dudes – there are two now – one of which genuinely appears to be called DJ Bin Laden – get to sing another song.
We get “We are the World” again. Apparently this is in tribute to Michael Jackson.
We see the movie trailer – actually we see it several times over the evening.
The young children who apparently appear in the movie come on to the stage. They sing very nicely.
We are asked to stand again for another minute’s silence – as someone else has died.
The host talks a little more.
The producer (I think – it is he) gets up and makes a speech.
Singers sing again..this time a Phil Collins number.
Local politician gets up and talks some more.
When they tell us what they are now about to show is just excerpts from the film we realise that the film we had been waiting so long to see isn’t going to be shown. I suppose I took movie launch to mean premiere.
To be fair, that was probably a little naive in hindsight as seeing as there are no cinemas here the DVD market is all – they want us to buy the disc.
So they show an extended series of highlights – enough for us to know who dies, who lives, who does what to whom and what happens in the end.
Just before the excerpts start somebody, I assume involved in the movie, takes the seat next to mine and proceeds to demonstrate his knowledge of the film by saying all the lines into my left ear – a fraction before the actors say them on the film.
While the movie plays someone takes a cell phone call in the audience and has a loud conversation. Our first host for the evening is now sitting in front of me – he talks loudly throughout the clips.
Lights come back on – we’ve been in the hall three hours by this point. The host takes to the stage and starts to talk again and introduce further speakers….we decide it’s time to sneak away.
As I finish writing this at 9.15pm on a Sunday night (I’ll post it tomorrow) I wonder if I the event is still going on.
